Toying with National Security

As I will soon be leaving the country I have been narrowing down what I will need to bring. Pinning down which outfits are the most important, which shoes match everything, and what electronics I will need to conduct research has been a trying task. Fifteen weeks is a long time to be away from the pleasures of home.

Then I got to thinking…What will I do without my new toy? Can I bring it on a plane or should I just tell my horny self to wait to get some action? I definitely do not want something to start buzzing while I’m standing in customs. I could see it now: The security guards come rushing from all directions and pin me down (but not in the sexy way). They rip open my carry on and dig through all my carefully folded and organized clothing. Suddenly, a giant dildo emerges, held high for all to see, as I lay shamefully on the floor. Naturally, the guards can’t manage to turn off the little bullet in the recess and everyone stares…

This is a nightmare that must not occur. I do not want a repeat of the inconvenience in “Fight Club” where the main character’s electric razor is buzzing and baggage handlers must report the incident by referring to “a dildo,” not my dildo.

Well I figured just leave out the batteries and all is fine. Except I remembered that everything (including my person) will be x-rayed, and all of my belongings will be blatantly displayed on a little screen. Do I really want somebody to know that I’m carrying a dildo right next to my research articles? I suppose I could check the luggage but then again what if my new investment gets lost or somebody must search through my bag to identify it? Would they ask me about the contents and if I didn’t mention the toy I wouldn’t get my stuff? In a society where everything is on-the-go do sex toys and self-pleasure fit into the equation?

In fact, a lot of people have been asking me lately what to do when you travel with toys. I always advise that the batteries are left out (if it’s an electric toy). But it seems a lot of folks seem to care about the guards seeing they’re carrying a strap-on, a paddle, or another enticing bit of kinky paraphernalia. I guess those of us who explore the realm of sexual pleasure have to suck it up and take the stigma. This whole situation has got me wondering what the guards would even think as they view an x-rayed suitcase with a 9″ dildo hanging out with the socks? They must see hundreds a day (hopefully thousands). At least if it’s a silicone or glass toy we don’t have to worry about transporting dangerous materials!

I propose that everyone, EVERYONE, travel with their toys. Lets see how security reacts. If they want to violate rights of privacy by making us take off our shoes and expose our bodies to virtual strip searches then lets show them something they may not have been expecting. (Surely guards indulge in the lusty novelties too.) Pack it right on top why don’t you: just in case you have to unzip the bag for any reason. Security and sexuality will meet in a hot mess of gun butts and blue button-ups, traveler’s checks and overweight suitcases, American anxiety and a cure for it. Like Airplane, but better. As society increases the pressures on those of us who travel to cut down on what we can bring, we can fight back and smuggle our dildos right across borders. Screw the weight limit and pack a glass dildo.

As my departure nears I ponder about who I will become after I leave Tulip and start a new life abroad. I hope the trip goes well and I know my experiences (both academic and personal) will affect me awesomely. For now, it’s just making sure that I make it there. I’ll just have to remember to take out the batteries.

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