I’m a classy broad with champagne taste; for Andre, specifically. Cook’s if I’m feelin’ frisky. My product purchases aren’t due to preference, but based on tough times and limited by necessity.
When you work two jobs and can just barely make rent, afford groceries, or cough up cash to see a doctor when you’re huddled dying on the floor, you know something’s up. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the recession. Of course, you are probably well acquainted with our country’s economic downturn. In the past eight or so months, it’s become less of a talking point as it has a grim reality for the overqualified, overeducated, overly-competent and under-employed.
As summer approaches, you won’t see me in a designer bathing suit (though the aforementioned grocery shortage and a brush with mono has resulted in quite the hot bod, for real); you won’t see me jetsetting to my second home with a postcard view. There are many things I – we – must forego this summer, but you can sure as hell bet there’s one thing we won’t go without.
Wet, hot, American sex.
The community at Tulip understands economic strife, which is why we provide not only the best, but relatively inexpensive ways to enhance your sex life and life-in-general. Here’s a few products that’ll give you bang for your buck*:
-The bullet: This little vibe packs a wallop, and for all of ten dollars, the sucker’s a steal. It’s durable, small, portable, and powerful enough to keep you or a playmate thrilled for hours on end, and it’s cheaper and more fun than a movie date, anyway.
-Pyrex Wands: Pyrex isn’t just for the kitchen, you know. These glass pieces are gorgeous, and with as many different pieces that are in our collection here at Tulip, we guarantee there is a wand that’s a fit for you. Most are less pricey than their silicone alternatives, but just as clean and healthy for you. Plus, pyrex is a great material to use for temperature play. That glass of lemonade your capitalist kindergartner is selling has got nothing on a refreshing pyrex wand straight out of the freezer…
-Tulip Soy Candle: Seriously, this candle burns for days. Pour that wax and lather it on, you kinky, kinky devil, you. The spendthrifts out there will be happy to know that the soy wax doubles as both a fetish accessory AND a lotion. No Coppertone bottle is as much fun.
-Spartacus Adjustable Leather Cockring: This product is equipped with a detachable vibrator for you or a honey to use with or without the ring. The ring itself is adjustable – leather with metal snaps – and unlike a lot of rings on the market with comparable prices, this one can be used again and again.
-Spareparts Harness: This ain’t no dollar store purchase, and will put you back a nickel or two, but damn, is it worth it: totally adjustable to fit any body, any dildo, anytime; machine-washable; built with a pouch for a mini-vibrator, if there’s need…the Spareparts purchase is an investment worth making. Plus, it’s safe for your summertime pool games (try Marco Polo with some extra oomph).
-Hydra-Smooth Cream Lubricant: A coworker and I once conducted an experiment. Our hypothesis: which lubricant lasts the longest? Our method: rubbing lube between our pauper fingers until they were rendered dry. We focused our efforts on the water-based variety, since it can be used with our silicone toys, and is safe for both vaginal and anal play. After many minutes of deliberation and ultra-scientific experimentation**, we found that Hydra-Smooth was in it to win it. For hours upon hours of fun (in the sun?), my professional recommendation is this lube. And be sure to buy in bulk!
When your pockets no longer jingle joyfully with spare change, when you’re making trips to the bank just for the air conditioning, and when you can’t stand to go to another free concert in the park to save your life, don’t worry: Tulip’s got your back.
Enjoy your summer. Keep it sexy.
*There are so many puns to make, I won’t even begin.
**But let’s be honest, there is nothing scientific about anything I do ever.